Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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