I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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