my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
