I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
