Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
