there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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