Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
