This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Every concussion has its silver lining
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
