ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
