oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
