I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
