I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
