Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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