I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
