it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
