1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize