i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
