I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
