I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
