i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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