i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
