He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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