don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Your cock deserves a montage
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
