mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
