Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
