Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
