Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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