I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I am available for nakedness
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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