drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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