Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
