I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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