I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
