Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
