I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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