Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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