Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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