1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
