she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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