he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize