you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
