i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
