i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
