I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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