She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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