I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
