we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
