when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
