i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
