He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
