I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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