If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
