can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
it glows. i had to have it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
