I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
