I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
