My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
