i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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