Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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