and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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