I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize